"Just Eat" And Other Things Not to Say to Someone With An Eating Disorder

                I wish that I could tell you that I’ve heard of these things being said to other people but it’s not very common and it certainly was never said to me. Unfortunately, though, that isn’t the case. It’s often well-intentioned—a friend or family member just doesn’t understand the illness well enough to respond appropriately and doesn’t want to say nothing. Other times it’s pure naiveté or people that feel the need to make their opinion known. Either way, the unfortunate truth is that people end up saying unhelpful or even outright hurtful things. These are the three that come readily to mind which I have heard repeatedly myself or know other survivors who have.
                In third place: “Just eat.” I’m sure it looks simple from the outside. If I’m dangerously underweight and my body needs food then the obvious solution would be to eat. But this is about the equivalent of telling someone who is trying to tread water with baggy clothes on and a boat anchor tied to one foot to “just swim.” The situation looks much different from the shore than if you were the one in the water.
                In second place: “But you’re already so pretty, thin, etc.” I’m not saying that you can’t or shouldn’t compliment someone with and eating disorder, but tread lightly when making comments about their physical appearance. Part of the illness is that they cannot see themselves accurately and these types of comments can be very confusing. It’s especially risky to make any kind of comment about their weight.
                In first place (the grand winner of unhelpful things to say to someone with an eating disorder): “You don’t look like you have an eating disorder.” Even years into recovery, just typing this sentence gets my blood boiling. In addition to being the absolute worst thing you could possibly say to someone with an eating disorder, it’s probably also the one that’s unfortunately the most common. In a way I can understand where people are coming from – when a lot of people think of eating disorders they think of someone who is anorexic, extremely emaciated, and basically on death’s door. But a person can be incredibly sick and give no indication from their outward appearance. There are also multiple types of eating disorders besides anorexia. I can tell you from personal experience that when someone says to a person with an eating disorder that they don’t look like they have an eating disorder it translates directly to a) you’re fat or b) I question the validity of your illness.
                So what are appropriate things to say to someone who is struggling with an eating disorder? First of all, it’s okay to acknowledge that you don’t understand the illness or know the perfect thing to say. You can support them without having an insider’s idea of what they are going through. Tell them “It’s hard for me to understand but I’m here to love and support you in whatever way you need.” If they’re open to explaining their experience, ask questions and listen without judgment. Instead of responding with “I understand” or trying to relate it to something in your own life that has to do with food, weight, or eating let them know “That sounds really hard/painful/frustrating. I can’t even imagine what it must be like to deal with that every day.” And if you get to a point in the conversation where you’re at a loss for words, try to get comfortable with the silence. Just be with them when they need you without trying to fix them. Sometimes that means more than anything you could say.